Writing As Therapy

The last three weeks have been a series of highs and lows. After getting through that first rough weekend, I steadily became stronger and stronger. Two weekends ago, I was blessed with a wonderful gift from a phenomenal friend – an opportunity to go to an amazing place called Esalen in beautiful Big Sur (I felt that this experience deserved lots of adjectives). Apparently, Esalen was the birthplace of the self-actualization movement. I took an inspirational course with several girlfriends entitled “Writing from the Heart.” I never realized how therapeutic writing could be. Perhaps it’s because I’ve been primarily writing for my work and really have not written just for the sake of writing. Even this blog has been created primarily to keep everyone apprised of my health so that you all don’t worry about me – or at least know what’s going on so you can worry appropriately about me!

Interestingly, I recently heard about a study that was conducted surrounding writing. Apparently, two separate groups with the same medical diagnosis were given two separate writing assignments. The first group was to write about what inspired them, where they hoped to be in five years, things that brought them joy etc. The second group was to write about what made them angry, their fears… (you get the picture). What I found fascinating were the results. After three months, the second group was significantly healthier than the first because they were able to release their frustrations by writing them down. So – for the rest of this blog I’m going to disregard my goal of being positive and just rant…

So I had a really rotten chemo experience on September 30th. For the first time, I had significant nausea which led to a really awful afternoon and evening. The next day was also not great. Fortunately, the weekend wasn’t as rough and I slowly returned to my normal, energetic self. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that this Thursday (my next chemo day) won’t be as terrible since we are going to try a different regimen for side effects.

Now, as I write this, I feel great. That’s what’s so darn strange about this whole thing. I look normal, I feel normal, but I know that I’m fighting a very strong disease internally. It’s hard to remain focused on all of the healing things that I’m supposed to be doing (I still have not mastered incorporating meditation into my life) when I feel like my old self. That’s my greatest challenge right now – remaining focused on my most important goal – ridding my body of cancer, when I just want to put it out of my mind and go back to my old life.

But Thursday will soon be here and my body will be poisoned yet again to remind me of what’s going on inside. In the meantime, I’m going to hit a yoga class, go walking with friends, take my supplements, meet with my Buddhist healer and acupuncturist and try once again to do that darn meditation thing….although I have no idea when I’ll find the time…