Back from Brazil & Prayers for Wednesday

I’m back from Brazil. I’ve gone to the Mikvah. And today I had my stomach marked by a stoma nurse. Where to begin….

As for my whirlwind trip to Brazil, it was indescribable. I’m serious. I am really unable to describe the trip. My head is still spinning. It was a time of meditation, prayer and healing. I’ve never been that quiet for that long in my life. I actually sat in meditation for 3 hours at a time (I’m not saying that my mind was quiet – but at least my eyes and mouth were shut) and I prayed more than I have in my life. I experienced crystal beds and spent time underneath an exquisite waterfall. I have too many stories to write.

Unfortunately, I picked a crazy time to go. Just the week before we got there, Brazilian TV ran a huge segment on John of God. So – Brazilians decided to flock to the Casa when I was there. On our first day there were more people than my guide, Steve, had ever seen on one day. I would guess that there were far more than 1000 people there.

My tour guide, Steve Rozengauz, was phenomenal. He was a Russian New York Jew. Steve’s group was a kind of wacky combination of folks: we had a Brazilian celebrity actress, Fortuna (Tuna) Dwek; a Chicago-born now Sao Paolo TV series writer (he is the head writer for an NYPD type show that’s based on the Sao Paolo police dept.); a Russian born New Yorker and a Missouri-born Southern Californian. It was pretty funny walking around with Tuna because workers in the shops would stop and ask to have their picture taken with her or would ask for her autograph. She was quite flamboyant and a real love. I could tell you all sorts of stories about the makeup of our group and our mother-hen leader Steve, but honestly, it’s just too difficult to capture the flavor of our group or for anything that took place there in mere words.

There were many many people that I met who had stories of their healing and the healing of others. However, I was informed that I should not expect that Abadiania is the McHealing of Brazil. Healing takes time and although John of God has healed people on the spot, that is very very rare.

So – the big question that I keep getting asked was “did it work?” I really don’t know how to answer that. Do I think that on Wednesday they’ll open me up and with stunned expressions announce that there is no cancer in my body? While I would love to say that I believe that will happen, I am not holding my breath. However, this experience did help me to become more spiritual, quiet and focused on things that will help me to heal and make my body inhospitable for future recurrences of cancer. I have a whole new appreciation for things that I can’t see or touch. Abadiania is a wonderful, energy filled, spiritual place.

One final note on my trip, as I was getting on to my plane yesterday to fly from Atlanta to SFO, I was thinking to myself how much I wanted to have peace in my life and was debating how I was going to fully incorporate this into my every day actions. As I was about to get my ticket scanned so that I could enter the plane, I looked down at the name of the person who was directly in front of me and the name on the scanner read “Shalom” which means “peace.” What a nice little wave from above…

I arrived home yesterday and began my preparation for going to the Mikvah with Miriam Ferris, a local Rabbi’s wife. I am too tired to write about the Mikvah (please feel free to google it), which I went to last night at 9 pm. It was an amazingly powerful experience.

Today was not a good day. I spent 5 hours at Stanford with Pat. As I mentioned earlier, I had the joy of having my stomach marked in case they need to give me an ostomy on Wednesday. They needed to know where to put it. The surgeon has promised that he’ll do everything that he can to avoid doing this, but he won’t know until he gets in how strong my colon will be and whether it will be able to be reattached. He thinks that it will be unlikely that if I do have an ostomy that it will be for more than a few months. I wanted to be strong, but having my stomach marked was almost too much for me to bear.

We also spent quite a bit of time trying to ensure that the surgeons were aware that we are asking for some state-of-the-art tests that they generally don’t do at Stanford. It’s not easy to do things outside of their normal course of business. But I want to live and so I am demanding that they send my tumor away to a couple of different labs for additional testing. Unfortunately, it’s not inexpensive nor easy to do this – but this is my life. And I must do everything I can to prolong it.

I am really too exhausted to write anything else. I am working so hard to keep my spirits up and look for the positives in all of this – but it’s really difficult.

People keep asking what they can do. What I really need from all of you, and from everyone you know, are your prayers on Wednesday. What I did learn in Brazil was the tremendous power of faith and collective energy. It’s very scary that I will be heading into surgery not knowing how I’ll wake up. But now it’s time for me to stop trying to control the situation and just let go. I’m asking for your strength.

While I was down in Brazil, one of my new friends reminded me of the “Footsteps in the Sand” poem by Mary Stevenson. I find it inspiring as I head into this difficult surgery and for the few of you who do not know what I’m talking about, here it is:

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during
the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one
set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most,
you have not been there for me?"

The Lord replied,
"The times when you have
seen only one set of footprints,
is when I carried you."

My dear friend Stacia will plan to use this blog later this week to inform all of you regarding what happens on Wednesday. Thank you again for all of your love and support.