Number 45

According to the statistics, I probably shouldn’t be here to celebrate.  But here I am, and overall I’m feeling better than I have in years. When people ask, “How ARE you, Eve?” (in that pseudo-hopeful voice tinged with dread), I feel lucky to say how great it feels NOT to be on chemo. It has been an amazing break for my body.  I’m getting my hands, feet and brain back.  Hallelujah.  But, on the flip side, I have no idea if the treatment is working. 

On Tuesday, which incidentally is my 45^th birthday, I’ll be going in for my CT scan to see what’s going on inside.  If the tumors are the same size or smaller, they’ll proceed and give me my next dosage of PDL-1 on Wednesday.  If the tumors are larger, they’ll stop treatment for a month and then do another CT in about a month to see what’s going on. 

When they told me this plan, I told them I already knew the results – the cancer tumors would grow.  But Holbrooke corrected me.  Apparently, the drug that I’m on can cause the tumors to grow…right before they are destroyed by the treatment.  Bottom line – I shouldn’t panic if my tumors are larger.  It may actually be a good sign.  Still – between us, I’m really hoping that the tumors are getting smaller….

It has been nearly 5 years since I started my cancer journey.  5 very long years.  Just the other day, I realized that the girls have spent more of their lives with cancer than without.  I doubt that they can even remember the pre-cancer days.

I really really miss those days.  Days when I panicked if the girls weren’t in bed at their exact bedtime.  Days when I would be so concerned if I didn’t wear the right outfit for the right event.  Days when it never crossed my mind that I may not be around to see my children grow up or meet my grandchildren.

I pray that this treatment is working, that the killer cells are busily locating cancer cells and destroying them.  I so want to be around to celebrate not just one more but many more birthdays.  Bring on the gray hair, creaky bones and saggy skin…