Here I Am

As you all know, I did take some time off to focus on my healing.  That was a wonderful experience.  I made a real effort to rejuvenate my body and soul. It was a time for me to focus on the things that truly matter.  A poignant reminder of why this was so important surfaced during the last week of my time off…

As you may be aware, every summer for the last 6 years our family has gone to UC Berkeley Family Camp, Lair of the Golden Bear (Pat is a Haas grad).   At one point during the week, Ariel decided that she wanted to play catch and Pat was nowhere to be found.  She came to me and asked if I would play with her.  I hesitated because I truly suck at catch.  I can neither catch nor throw the ball.  I finally agreed to play with her.  As Ari and I were walking out to play, I warned her that I was terrible at catch.  She turned to me and responded “That’s ok, Mom.  It’s just for fun.  All that matters is that you said ‘yes.’”  I haven’t been able to get that out of my head ever since.  She captured what really matters.  It was at that moment that I realized that as I return to my frenzied life, that I need to remember to say “yes” to my daughters as often as possible. 

I’m now back at work and have returned to the chaos of the end of the legislative session.  I struggle daily trying to find some balance and to incorporate some of the lessons that I learned.  Ellie and I have started doing yoga together which has been wonderful for both of us.  She told me the other day that she thought I should start each day with shavasana (a short meditation) to help bring peace into my life. Doing yoga with Ellie has been one of the highlights of my efforts to change the way I live.

When I was meeting with my Rabbi this last week, he told me that my struggles to be present and enjoy each moment are at the essence of my search for spirituality.  Listening to me talk of my quest to be more engaged in the moment reminded him of the Hebrew word “Hineni” meaning “Here I am.”  This is how Abraham responded to God to declare that he was fully present, both physically and emotionally.  

I now repeat the word “Hineni” frequently throughout the day to remind myself that I need to be present for the moment – not focused on the past or future (which is difficult for this “to do” list addict).

Today is a good day.  I’m at the pool at our club, listening to Pat read a Sherlock Holmes story to the girls.  Wonderful friends are coming to dinner.  I remain strong regardless of the cancer within.  I remain able to actively speak not only on behalf of the tech industry but also on behalf of cancer patients. 

And - when Pat is done with this story, I’m going to jump into the pool with the girls regardless of the fact that I shouldn’t be in public in a swimsuit. 

Hineni