It's Been A Long Week

I have just left the urgent care center in Davis. Why was I there? I haven’t been able to breathe easily for the last few days. The good news is that after an x-ray, EKG and blood tests, the doctors can’t find anything physically wrong with me. They are blaming my shortness of breath to stress, potentially too much chemo and possibly some tomato spraying that’s going on in Davis. While I am relieved that the diagnosis wasn’t more serious, the whole experience forced me to relive that day after Thanksgiving almost 2 years ago in Palm Desert when I woke up not being able to breathe and was told hours later that the cancer had returned in my ovary. Needless to say, today’s results are a whole heck of a lot better than that day in 2009.

I’ve been trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a significant impact on me stress-wise. My job is stressful, but I can’t remember a time when I haven’t had a ton of stress at my job. Our home sale and purchase are complete, so that’s not causing stress. The girls are all settled at school, soccer, gymnastics and Brownies – so that’s not causing stress.

And then it hit me – Steve Jobs’ death. Each time I hear of a celebrity’s death due to cancer, it is like a knife in my chest. Fear grips me. But, Steve Jobs’ passing impacted me more than any other. Perhaps it’s because I’m in the tech sector now and his death is part of a continual conversation with my peers, or perhaps it was because he shared my oncologist and acupuncturist, the same people who I depend on to save my life couldn’t save his…

For whatever reason, his death upset me to my core. It made me question my ability to beat cancer and stay alive. Although I have had dark thoughts over the past few years, they have never lasted for days or even hours. This time, they had. But, now that I know that my shortness of breath does not signal a return of my cancer, I am reminding myself that each person has their own story…that pancreatic cancer is a hell of an adversary and it was miraculous that he remained alive as long as he did…that I am doing great and that I have to get my head back on straight if I’m going to continue to do great. And so, with a deep breath – that is what I’m doing.

Unfortunately, while I wish that I could announce that all is well (except the cancer in my spleen and rectum), as of last Friday, I was told that I am facing yet another hurdle – a hernia where the bag used to be on my stomach. Apparently, it’s not that uncommon. After all, I’ve had a lot of surgery in that area, so the muscles are weak. I am heading down to see my colorectal surgeon on Thursday, to see if anything can be done. My guess is that I’ll be told to do some basic exercises (my SF oncologist showed me some exercises to strengthen the muscle) and leave it alone. As one of my doc friends said to me this morning, “Eve, this is number 33 on your list of concerns. It’s really not a big deal.” I will keep you all posted if I need to return to surgery – but I’m keeping my fingers crossed that this won’t be in the cards for the near future.

So – the cancer journey continues. I continue to look for the lessons. But – I gotta say, it’s hard. I know that some say that "cancer is a gift." Although I have learned a lot from the journey, I wouldn’t classify this as a "gift." Frankly, if it is a gift, I want to be standing in the "returns" line. But, for whatever reason, this is what I’ve been given and I’m going to do whatever I can to learn from it.

As we begin the Jewish New Year, I have faith that this upcoming year will be a good one. I have a new job, new home, am ostomy bag-free and have only marginal amounts of cancer. I’m starting off pretty darn ok. I pray that this year is filled with many wonderful moments and lots of health for all of you as well.

And please – come and visit us in Davis. This year, my goal is to fill my home with lots of love and laughter – which is, after all, the best way to heal…..