Port Is In - Chemo is about to Begin

This past Thursday, I went to UC Davis Medical Center for Surgery 24 – putting in my port. I really was hoping never to have to do that surgery again. I’ll never forget when I last had it removed many years ago. I was so determined that I would never put it in again. So – on Thursday, when I was lying in my hospital bed waiting to be wheeled back into surgery, a huge wave of sadness engulfed me. I know that I should just be grateful that I’m even alive, but it’s hard not to feel sorry for myself.

So – I’m going to just put it out there. I am jealous of everyone else. I want desperately to have a normal life – spending time playing with my children, worrying about what I’m going to donate for the PTA fundraiser, figuring out what winter vacations we should take. But that’s not my life. And – I don’t know if it will ever be my life again.

This week I’ll be taking chemotherapy on both Tuesday and Thursday. On Tuesday, I will be getting Irinotecan and will be coupling that with my lovely penguin cold caps to save my hair. Once I’m finished with that four hour infusion, they will hook me up to a pump of 5FU that I’ll wear around for 46 hours. On Thursday afternoon, I will return to the Cancer Center for them to remove my pump and then they will give me a two hour dose of Vectibix. Vectibix is the chemo that is supposed to create a pretty ugly acne-like rash on my face, shoulders and back. We will be treating my rash with antibiotics.  I’m going to try taking some of the antibiotics over the weekend to see if I react to them (nausea is a possible side effect).

We’ll see how it goes. I realize that I’ve been spoiled for the last few years with my wonderful anti-PDL1. I was so lucky not to have any side effects! I truly hope that this chemo treatment will punch back the tumors and I will soon be able to get back on another immunotherapy trial.

I am worried about the girls. I am starting to see fear in their eyes. They aren’t used to seeing me in this much pain or so tired that I have trouble getting up. I don’t want them to be scared. It’s not fair to them. They should be able to have a carefree childhood.

On the other hand, I’ve seen both of them really step up and become my little nurses. Ellie is concerned that I’m not eating enough and reminds me frequently that I need to eat. She also gives me a lecture each night about the dangers of blue light at night and why I need to put my phone away early in the evening so that I can get a proper amount of sleep. Such an incredible caretaker. While Ari doesn’t have a particular healthy habit that she is concerned about – her nursing comes in the form of love. She braids my hair and is always willing to share a big hug. That’s as good as any medicine!

The next few months will be focused on destroying as many of the tumors as possible. Thank you so much for your love and support as I embark on this new challenge. The one thing that I have learned over the past 7 ½ years is that I can’t do this by myself. So many of you have held my hand as I stumbled down the path. I cannot express how grateful I am that you are there when I trip and come close to falling. Thanks for grabbing my arm and keeping me steady as I regain my balance.