Prayer Request - Again

So – I had written but had forgotten to post the "Phew" blog until today. That blog post had a lot of good news. Unfortunately, I think I’m heading into a rough patch once again. After seeing the chiropractor 3 times this week, my back is feeling much much better. However, I am continuing to be plagued with stabbing pain in my nether regions and my stools have begun to shrink to pencil thin. These are the same symptoms that I had before they found the tumor in my rectum this past summer.

I am thrown into yet another place of fear, sadness and panic. I will be meeting with Dr. Fisher on Monday for what was to be my regular PDL-1 infusion. However, I may call today and see if we need to push forward with a CT scan.

Oh – how I wish this disease would leave my body.  This rollercoaster of fear is so exhausting. Pain is exhausting. Lack of sleep from pain and fear is exhausting. I can’t help but go back to the question, “Why me?”  I know that’s not a helpful question. I know it’s not a rational question. And I know it’s an unanswerable question.

But – it is one that continuously floods my head.

When I met with the radiation oncologist earlier this week, he told me that I had been very fortunate. A few years ago, the average length of survival for metastatic colon cancer was 10 months to a year. He said that I should be happy that I had so many additional years. Yes – of course I’m happy about that. But his comment made me feel like I am indeed living on borrowed time. 

This weekend, I’m heading to Baltimore for my cousin’s kids’ b’nai mitzvah. I just pray that someday I will get to attend my own girls’ b’nai mitzvah.

We should know more soon. Please send me a little extra prayer this week.