Keeping Busy

As many of you know, I lead a very busy life – I have a high stress job that has many evening events, have enrolled the girls in many activities, love spending time with friends, am involved in cancer-fighting causes and, of course, am running back and forth to Stanford for cancer treatment. 

I realize that I’m fairly frenetic.  Everyone tells me to slow down and relax.  Breathe.  Meditate.  Just Be.

But – it’s my coping mechanism.  If I’m constantly busy, then I don’t have time to think about my fears.  I don’t have time to think about what may come to be.  I don’t have time to think about not being here for my children.

Every time that I do stop, I feel fear clench at my chest.  Different pains pop up that make me crazy with the belief that they are tumors.  When I run around, I don’t notice pain.  I forget about my fear.  I’m focused on the task at hand and don’t wallow in my grief or make myself crazy with self-pity.

Being forced to stop and think during Yom Kippur is both a blessing and a curse.  I so want to be inscribed in the book of life for next year, but then I question whether I have done or am doing the things that I should be doing that would make me worthy of getting to live for another year. 

Did I attend synagogue regularly?  No.  Did I eat right?  Not really.  Did I exercise as often as I should have? No.  Did I engage in tikkun olam (healing of the world) over the past year?  Not enough.  Did I spend enough time with my daughters helping them to grow into amazing children?  No – but thank goodness they became amazing in spite of me.

These are the thoughts that go through my head.  My chest tightens up just writing this.  As we embark on the year 5774, I vow that if I’m given another year that I’ll be better.  I’ll stop running from event to event.  I’ll take time for me and for my family.  And when I’m with my family, I won’t just spend the time driving from errand to errand or activity to activity.  I’ll take the time to stop and just be. 

I have 2 months before my next CT scan.  Perhaps I should just focus on that time frame.  I’ll start there.  I have 2 months to focus on healthy living – eating right, exercise, family, breathing.  In two months, I’ll know whether my body has been able to fight the tumors without medication.  I’m really scared right now.  But – rather than react by adding to my “to do” list, I’m going to react by taking unimportant items off of that list.   I’m going to focus on the items that really matter.

I have been blessed with a strong body and phenomenal medical care.  It’s time for me to refocus on my healing and give myself the best chance of seeing 5775.

Happy New Year.