I realize that I’m fairly frenetic. Everyone tells me to slow down and
relax. Breathe. Meditate.
Just Be.
But – it’s my coping mechanism. If I’m constantly busy, then I don’t have
time to think about my fears. I don’t
have time to think about what may come to be.
I don’t have time to think about not being here for my children.
Every time that I do stop, I feel fear clench at my
chest. Different pains pop up that make
me crazy with the belief that they are tumors.
When I run around, I don’t notice pain.
I forget about my fear. I’m
focused on the task at hand and don’t wallow in my grief or make myself crazy
with self-pity.
Being forced to stop and think during Yom Kippur is both a
blessing and a curse. I so want to be
inscribed in the book of life for next year, but then I question whether I have
done or am doing the things that I should be doing that would make me worthy of
getting to live for another year.
Did I attend synagogue regularly? No.
Did I eat right? Not really. Did I exercise as often as I should have?
No. Did I engage in tikkun olam (healing
of the world) over the past year? Not
enough. Did I spend enough time with my
daughters helping them to grow into amazing children? No – but thank goodness they became amazing
in spite of me.
These are the thoughts that go through my head. My chest tightens up just writing this. As we embark on the year 5774, I vow that if
I’m given another year that I’ll be better.
I’ll stop running from event to event.
I’ll take time for me and for my family.
And when I’m with my family, I won’t just spend the time driving from
errand to errand or activity to activity.
I’ll take the time to stop and just be.
I have 2 months before my next CT scan. Perhaps I should just focus on that time
frame. I’ll start there. I have 2 months to focus on healthy living –
eating right, exercise, family, breathing.
In two months, I’ll know whether my body has been able to fight the
tumors without medication. I’m really
scared right now. But – rather than
react by adding to my “to do” list, I’m going to react by taking unimportant
items off of that list. I’m going to
focus on the items that really matter.
I have been blessed with a strong body and phenomenal
medical care. It’s time for me to
refocus on my healing and give myself the best chance of seeing 5775.
Happy New Year.
