Boy - Do I Feel Thankful

I was sure that the tumors had grown.  I didn’t share this fear in my last post, because I didn’t want to worry anyone.  But I was sure that the cancer had grown. 

Over the past week, I’ve been short of breath and have felt pressure on my bladder (I have a tumor there).  The shortness of breath reminded me of the time, exactly three years ago, when I left my family Thanksgiving to check into the hospital in Palm Springs. I was short of breath and thought I was having a heart attack.

Instead, they discovered cancer in my ovary.  A recurrence of the cancer that I thought I was beating…but now it had metastasized into stage IV. As you can imagine, this is a particularly fraught anniversary for me.

As I was once again short of breath, I felt doomed. Surely a new cancer had popped up or my current tumors had grown.  There was no doubt in my mind that yesterday was going to be a very bad day – a day that would change my life – forcing me back into chemo and possibly even into surgery.

Thankfully, I was wrong (I don’t often like to say that sentence but today, I’m happy to!). Yesterday morning, Pat and I were down at Stanford at the crack of dawn getting my CT scan. Upon finishing my CT, I headed over to Stanford to meet with George Fisher (my new doctor is in Japan this week so George agreed to meet with me.  I later found out that he came in only to meet with me – he wasn’t scheduled to work that day.  Just one more reason why I love George).

When I arrived, the study coordinator, Rebecca, greeted me with a fancy cupcake for my birthday.  Did I mention how incredibly wonderful the Stanford team is?  George then came in and gave me the news that I had been praying for, but didn’t believe that I would receive….the PDL-1 drug was working! My tumors were staying in check and there was no sign of additional tumors popping up.  Therefore, we could proceed with giving me another dose of PDL-1 with the next CT scan scheduled for 6 weeks from now.

After I learned that my tumors hadn’t grown, I called my sister Miriam who was watching our kids to let her know the good news.  Following the call, she went to tell my girls the news.  Here was the conversation…

Miriam - “Girls,  I have great news for you!  I just got a call that the new cancer treatment for your mom is WORKING!  She got her scan this morning and her tumors haven’t grown.  Isn’t that wonderful for our family?”

“Auntie Miriam, it’s not great news just for our family, it’s great news for the whole world,” replied Ellie.  “Because now there may be a cure for cancer.”

Unfortunately, PDL-1 is not being talked about as a cure, but it is being hailed as a drug that can bring long-term remission.  George said that he was happy with keeping the tumors from growing – he considers that success.  None of my tumors are in a location of concern (lungs, liver etc.) and so they can continue to hang out in my gut for years….they just can’t grow.  I can live with that (literally).

I can now breathe for a few more weeks.  Unfortunately, speaking of breathing, while we now know that my shortness of breath isn’t due to cancer or pulmonary embolism (that was a possibility as well), I will be getting a stress test next week to figure out the cause.  It’s funny - while others may be completely upset about a potential heart issue,  for me it was a huge relief that it wasn’t cancer. 

Today, on this day of Thanksgiving, I am feeling more grateful than ever.  I was thinking about my visit yesterday to Stanford.  While I was there, various staff that I have worked with over the years – Dr. Rhoades and Dr. Chu, along with Margreet and James (the guy who works on our paperwork and setting up the rooms) heard that I was there for a visit with George and came in to see me and give me a hug.  That is one amazing place.  Their love and compassion coupled with their incredible brilliance is an incredible combination. If you’re going to get cancer, these are the people that you want by your side.

But, those aren’t the only people that have enabled me to thrive.  It’s all of you - my family, friends, even those of you who I don’t know but send me lovely notes, who make this journey bearable.  I am so very grateful to all of you.  It is your collective strength, prayers, and positive energy that have enabled me to reach this day.

Thank you for being there for me and my family.   As we go around our dinner table today telling the others what we’re grateful for, my list will be long.  But – on the top of that list will be you, my community, you are what I am most grateful for.

I hope you and yours have a very happy Thanksgiving.

Number 45

According to the statistics, I probably shouldn’t be here to celebrate.  But here I am, and overall I’m feeling better than I have in years. When people ask, “How ARE you, Eve?” (in that pseudo-hopeful voice tinged with dread), I feel lucky to say how great it feels NOT to be on chemo. It has been an amazing break for my body.  I’m getting my hands, feet and brain back.  Hallelujah.  But, on the flip side, I have no idea if the treatment is working. 

On Tuesday, which incidentally is my 45^th birthday, I’ll be going in for my CT scan to see what’s going on inside.  If the tumors are the same size or smaller, they’ll proceed and give me my next dosage of PDL-1 on Wednesday.  If the tumors are larger, they’ll stop treatment for a month and then do another CT in about a month to see what’s going on. 

When they told me this plan, I told them I already knew the results – the cancer tumors would grow.  But Holbrooke corrected me.  Apparently, the drug that I’m on can cause the tumors to grow…right before they are destroyed by the treatment.  Bottom line – I shouldn’t panic if my tumors are larger.  It may actually be a good sign.  Still – between us, I’m really hoping that the tumors are getting smaller….

It has been nearly 5 years since I started my cancer journey.  5 very long years.  Just the other day, I realized that the girls have spent more of their lives with cancer than without.  I doubt that they can even remember the pre-cancer days.

I really really miss those days.  Days when I panicked if the girls weren’t in bed at their exact bedtime.  Days when I would be so concerned if I didn’t wear the right outfit for the right event.  Days when it never crossed my mind that I may not be around to see my children grow up or meet my grandchildren.

I pray that this treatment is working, that the killer cells are busily locating cancer cells and destroying them.  I so want to be around to celebrate not just one more but many more birthdays.  Bring on the gray hair, creaky bones and saggy skin…