My Rock

This posting is about my husband, Pat. Yesterday, I was telling my friend, Keith about how important it has been for me throughout this journey to have Pat’s strength and complete faith that everything is going to be ok. Keith then said, as gently as he could, that he thought that I should actually post about Pat. He had noticed that I blog about the girls frequently, but rarely mention my rock of a husband.

I thought about that for a moment. I realized that I blog about the girls because I know that if the worst comes to pass that Pat would be fine (although sad), however it is the girls who would suffer the most. It is this knowledge that keeps me fighting every day to live.

I didn’t mean to neglect my amazing husband. I can’t imagine tackling this disease without him. Throughout my many surgeries, chemo infusions and doctors appointments he has been at my side. He has emptied drains sticking out of my body, changed my bag, facilitated the use of my penguin cold caps, rubbed my back and held my hand. He supported my efforts when I decided to fly around the country to get additional opinions. When I said that I wanted to look into alternative ways to heal, he didn’t laugh or dismiss me, he supported me.

But, most importantly, when I am in my darkest hours, dealing with my sadness, anger or fear, he remains a constant source of strength. He has no doubts that I am going to live to see our children grow up. He believes in my body’s ability to fight this disease. While I have seen fear in the eyes of so many people that I love throughout the years, I have never witnessed that fear in Pat. When I see his confidence, it puts me back in the right frame of mind and renews my faith in my ability to win this battle. I am so deeply grateful to have Pat by my side.

And – for the news that you’ve all been waiting for - during my chemo appointment yesterday, Dr. Smith gave me the great news that my MRI was normal and that there was no evidence of cancer in my spine. I was thrilled and so relieved. But, of course, Pat already knew that it would be clear.

A Surreal Day - A Look Back at Iowa

The Iowa Caucus. It has been 4 long years since the last Caucus. As you all know, that was the beginning of my cancer journey. I remember those days like they were yesterday. Marianne and I spent the week before the Caucus braving the Iowan winter campaigning for Hillary and going back and forth to Mercy Hospital in Des Moines begging them to please figure out the source of my incredible pain.

On the night of the Caucus, rather than witnessing how Iowans vote, I checked in to Mercy, thinking that they’d quickly figure out my pain and I’d be going home soon. It never occurred to me that they’d discover the unthinkable – cancer.

But they did. These last four years have not been easy. Since that day, I’ve had my colon re-sected twice, a radical hysterectomy, a vaginal resection, an ileostomy, reversal of my ileostomy, poisoned my body with far too much chemo (xeloda, oxiliplatin, FUDR, Irinotecan, Avastin…), botoxed my sphincter muscle, had more than 20 CT scans, visited countless doctors all over the country, cut meat out of my diet (for the most part), opened my eyes to eastern medicine (acupuncture, Chinese herbs, qi gong, yoga, Tibetan healing, ayurvedic healing….) and had more than my share of needles.

Four years ago, I would have never guessed that this would be my life – or that I would have to fight so hard to still be alive.

Interestingly enough, Iowa is not just a sad memory for me. I met so many warm and amazing people. Just this morning, I received an e-mail from a wonderful friend that I met while in Iowa. Cyril and her husband John, after only meeting me that fateful week, were there for Pat and me when we were in need. My Iowan oncologist, Rocky Morton, e-mailed just recently just to check in on me and told me that he’d been keeping up to date on me through the years.

It is with mixed emotion that I sit here watching the Iowa Caucus tonight. I am grateful to be alive watching the Caucus unfold (crazy as it is). And, I just made a vow to myself, that in four years, I’m going back to Iowa – to finally see the Caucus in person.