On Monday, as I was laying on the table waiting for my first
dose of radiation, it hit me - “this sucks.” I am running around so much
that I rarely have time to think. But, as I was lying there trying to be still,
the sadness of what I was dealing with washed over me. I am really really tired
of fighting this disease.
So many of you have been so kind to me, commenting on how
“brave” I am. But, I don’t feel brave. I feel like I do what I have to do just
to get through every day. In my mind, being brave is when you chose to do
something difficult that you don’t need to do. My situation is so different – I
have no option but to do what I’m doing if I want to have the best shot at
living.
I also frequently hear from people that when they’re feeling
sorry for themselves, they think of me and realize how much worse it could be.
That always makes me laugh a little inside. At least this cancer has been able
to serve some purpose – making so many folks feel better about their own
struggles….
I am now halfway through my 10 day radiation cycle. It was a
tough week – with a lot of driving back and forth to Stanford. On Tuesday, when
I was meeting with Dr. Fisher, he asked me how I was doing. I told him that my
gut felt warm and that I was feeling some pain. He smiled and told me that it
was psychosomatic – it was too early for me to feel anything. Apparently, the
radiation builds up over the two weeks, so next week is when I really may feel
it.
The plan going forward is to try to get me back on my
fabulous PDL-1 within 2 weeks of finishing radiation. I will be the first
person to try this combo of radiation followed by PDL-1. They are very excited
to see what happens. We’re all just keeping our fingers crossed that their
theory will work and that my immune system will effectively fight the tumors
that remain within. Not only would this be a huge win for me but also for
hundreds, if not thousands of cancer patients worldwide.
But – all that being said – this still sucks.
